Sumthing's obviously not right!!The way i felt last night,the way i am feeling now..well maybe because i was condemned by someone who i feel is sorta the closest apart from my parents?hmmph well it sux to be condemned by your boyfriend ..someone who share every bad and good piece of news with.And its unfair if they judge you based on such instances!Because bfs are supposed to hear us out technically or so speaking!Yes my Oru Kal song is playing in the background of this quiet room where i can only hear the aircon churning its system.Well..we are going for a movie marathon..And sadly i dont feel happy or excited to see my boyfriend.yeah its a fact i got to acknowlegde it.I just think that my boyfriend is in his own world and i am in mine.I dont know how long all this can last.But suddenly it seems clearer to me that i can go on without my boyfriend.We are 2 diff people with 2 diff mindsets..needless to say!And i just replayed the song again!hmmph i dont know its just that i have been preety much living my life!and it makes me wonder is it okay for a bf gf to be purely friends!Wheres the passion?Friends dont have that passsion lovers do!!I suddenly feel strange for one or another reason!Ask me if i want to be with Ck my ans is YES!is it ok to be pals just like the movies?ERMM i wonder?till yest it was a yest but today i am thinking out loud!Is it okay?Or what?I dont know passion seems to be terribly lacking because 3/4 of the time i am spending time with her family which i am okay with but we tend to forget ourselves!we get so involved with everyone else that it comes to a point where everyghing is routine!Do i yearn for passion outside of this bgr?Hard to answer!i dont even know what's my answer to that!!Suddenly my interest in coming online,talking to any1 has just reduced i just am in my own world!Yes!!And i find it strange!Yes we are in a relationship but doing our own stuff!i do understand relationship is not just abt US but this has no US in it completely!Its just her stuff and my stuff!My idea of a bgr is to meet up go out,slack with pals as well and then u know i dont know!this is like lacking it all?in all every possible ways?even passion one of the main source of key ingredient!i am at my most fragile part of the bgr..What if i meet someone that interests me?what would i do ?would i still be fighting it out for this bgr?Or would i just move on to something else?Ck has been too much of a friend for me so hard to lose SO SO TERRIBLY HARD!I find myself going to find her alot ,entertaining her parents ,siblings that i am just a human cant help but to wonder ..why doesnt she spend time with my parents happily?And the golden question that leads on is "Why has this always have to be me making the effort?"Well i dont know!!A word of advise..There should be a balance but neverthless guys is important to be up for the chase really.Never date if you have no time to invest in it.Dating is an investment preferbly a lifelong investment for which the returns are a beautiful family.But once u lack patience ,commitment the returns can be preety nasty.I know i am preaching i guess.I dont know i just feel like i need to feel loved and am lacking it big time.She doesnt even ask about my mum or anything.I just really am TIRED!!TIRED TIRED TIRED!Its come to a point of time where i rather go out with my friends and have fun because with her i am just going to be a quiet person!Because i obviously have nothing to say.If i told this to her she would come at me saying yeah you prob like someone and prob point her fingers to some butch or guy!And i hate it because if i really am keen i wont wait till now!Seriously!And i hate how i feel repressed though she keeps saying how repressed she is i feel she has alot more to condemn me and in the process of condemning or aka specified by her BEING HONEST!Even when you be honest,feelings are to be considered!No-one would love to hear shit about themself.Like i just dont feel good.Everything i embark on seemingly to her is I AM JUST NOT UP FOR IT!She even said to me job satisfaction not important and i am not a hard worker!then why am i wasting my time slogging it out!And me considering for my family aka STUPIDITY .Yes i am sorry i cant be selfish thats not how my parents brought me up.I Love my family and please dont call that stupidity its annoying.Just because you and your parents dont even share a good relationship doesnt mean i cant!You can call me naive,dumb,learn to live my life blah blah yada yada ..I dont care!Listen !!!Anyone can say what they want!But my parents are 1st!!NO1ELSE no 1else!!and i mean this when i type this!NO1ELSE IS IMPORTANT!NOT UNTIL SOMEONE REALLY UNDERSTANDS MY FEELINGS!Why do i keep meeting people who are so in their own world and selfish!!Just because i am myself they call me useless ?Just because i seem to talk carefreely of my ideas and dreams which are MULTIPLE doesnt mean i lack focus!!i mean seriously,as a boyfriend is that the least you could say?Haiz.it just hurts that i never end up with the right boyfriend that considers my feelings.You know!!Thoughtful.NO POINT SAYING I WON YOUR HEART OUT OF THE MANY AND YET BREAK IT WITHOUT KNOWING!its very painful for me it makes me not want to talk to anyone or even trust anyone.And thats what i have been doing..keeping to myself i honestly dont talk to any friend of mine.Whoever i talk to i am just afraid of getting dissed.Infact i feel like i lost myself and i feel that the only one who doesnt judge me is this blog thats why i am coming out to a blog!how perthetic when you have everyone around you .Your boyfriend,pals..but you only come clean with your blog.i feel sad for myself!But yet my pride and ego stops me from feeling sad for myself!Well i am not exactly a smart or a bright gal.Infact someone with many floating thoughts which i admit but doesnt make me any less than a human with feelings,nor a independent girl in the making.I am proud of who i am.Ck talks so much how i cant survive.can she be without booze?parties?pple?CAN SHE?i CAN!and i m 101percent proud of it i hate the disssing of me saying i am going to heaven just because everyone in a clique drinks ,smokes,FLIRTS,SLEEPS AROUND AND IS SUPER SOCIABLE .Sorry i beg to differ.I am different and i love my difference and i appreciate my ROUNDNESS,MY FLAWS,MY EVERYGHING!I AM ME AND THERES NO ONE THAT CAN BE ME IN THIS WORLD!i am just annoyed!!Can YOU HEAR ME?arghh!!okay i feel so much better now!I dont know i just feel sad within yet struggling to express it out to people!I am so pissed mad that i just feel like finding someone that can hold me TIGHT AND GIVE ME A HUG AND SAY YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK URE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE OUT AND U'RE GREAT!AND YOU WOULD PROB BE SOMEONE U WANA BE! IF ANY guy says that to me i prob would me dating him or her!Seriously i feel darn single at the moment!its a suxy feeling a carefree feeling that i am so scared if someone tries i might just fall into the temptation!Because i am at my weakest and sadly my bf isnt available And i know whats the next qn WHY CANT YOU SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL!!Trust me done that ..all i got was .B you cant accept the truth then dont ask or tell me okay if i tell you the truth the truth sux and hurts!Be in denial for all i care!TT's the response .Sometimes i really wonder am i really in love with my boyfriend..which leads me to ponder further but i shall spare my head for now!I dont want to say i love you i love you but yet I WONDER!i want to say it because i really mean it! I want to have excitment ,fun you know ..Just a fun day ..Its really not the once n a while expensive gifts though i really appreciate all of them.But i just feel the qn is do i love my boyfriend does he really love me or are we hanging in because its a choice we made?So complicated matters of the heart...arggghhh oh well i shall just wait and find out!Sometimes i wish my bf just gets BACK with his ex or does something wrong again seriously!!This time i wont even break up for 1mth ITS 4EEVER!!Bcos i am so done with chances!Though this time i feel liek the devil and i feel like doing something so so so wrong!I just hope one day someone gets what i am feeling.my advise to man..If you cant help a situation with words.Just shutup!Tt's the best solution!!Based on my experience!!

ttyn Bloggie!!Off to marina for a movie ..ghost of x gf past and i love you man!!good luck to muaself!

X.O.XO.

Gf thats's in doubt?!

02:22